POSSIBLE CURE FOR CANCER

I would like you all to take a moment to watch this short video about a new antibody and a possible cure for cancers.

 

http://www.natureworldnews.com/articles/1091/20130329/ultimate-antibody-cures-type-cancer-clinical-tests-video.htm

 

 

Mrs. President You are an ASS.

Oh I just can’t help it.

Michelle Obama, you are a fucking idiot.

You began your health crusade to SAVE AMERICAS CHILDREN by FIGHTING OBESITY When?

Oh yeah.. hmm 2009.

Sounds about right.

Every first lady has to have a cause!

Obesity is determined by what?

Body Mass Index AKA BMI.

In 2011, 2 YEARS AFTER YOU STARTED, you stated with reguard to BMI. ( and I quote)

“I didn’t really know what BMI was.” 

http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5iMN1UE1cYY1SXZhueY8y8Sbvydgg?docId=CNG.f562d238b750a565f6cd658dfd177857.431

Damnit I rrrreeeeaaaalllllyyyyy can’t stand you.

GI JOE VS PIZZAVEGGIE

Okay, so if you’ve read anything I’ve written so far you have probably learned 3 basic things about me.

1. I am profusely profane.

2. I have a real problem with secretly gay men who have unknowing girlfriends.

and

3. I think the government is a worthless piece of shit.

That being said, I’d like to redirect you to a previous post, in which I dissected Congress’s wise legislation.

IE Pizza is a Vegetable.

Now I’m checking out google news today, and lo an behold, there is Michelle Fucking Obama on the health page again with her chiseled jaw and steroidal biceps, wide toothed grinning like a man-eating crocodile over some vegetables.

May I be frank and say that this woman not only infuriates me with her lack of basic knowledge of human nutrition and a seemingly complete vectorless void of common sense, but that SHE CREEPS ME THE FUCK OUT.

Seriously. What’s up with this lady? Nancy Regan looked better than her and… well… I’ll leave good old Nancy to another post.

Bitch.

Anyway the point of this is now that Queen Obama of the Burlybicep clan is now touting the graces of the Department of Defense for changing their foods. Adding in more fruits and vegetables and whole grains. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a healthier diet for EVERYONE.

My question is…

Why?

BECAUSE THEY’RE SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY ON RENIGGED CONTRACTS DUE TO FIRST YEAR RECRUITS BEING TOO DAMN FAT.

Seriously? 1 out of 4 are turned away at the recruitment office because they’re too fat.

Now we have a problem that they’re too fat when they get in and stay for a year? What the hell. Can anyone tell me how this is even humanly feasible?

I mean it says it in this article ( which I’m pissed about obviously)

http://rt.com/news/us-obesity-military-corporations-059/

That it costs approximately $50,000 to replace and retrain a new recruit to fill up Tubbies hole. ( That came out wrong.)

It also says that the military diet hasn’t been changed with any significance since the 80’s.

Come on. Really? You guys went 20 years without an ounce of change and now all the sudden it’s a concern? WTH are you doing with the recruits? How is it possible that with a set calorie diet for all new recruits you’re having to get rid of anyone for being too fat for OVER A YEAR IN THE MILITARY?

Chubby initially I get. But a WHOLE YEAR AFTER and you gotta let em go because they’re still too damn fat?

America is reaching 75% obesity.

Can anyone explain to me how the military food stuffs are a matter of National Security but congress can put a fucking pizza on a styrofoam plate and feed it to an undernourished child and Michelle Obitcharama can sleep at night?

ISN’T NATIONAL SECURITY ABOUT KEEPING THE PEOPLE SAFE? I THINK MCDONALDS AND BURGERKING AND THE FACT THAT A TACO 12 PACK IS CHEAPER THAN A HANDBASKET OF FRESH VEGETABLES IS A THREAT.

Yeah, I said it.

We live in a time when it is cheaper to buy a bottle of MAd Dog and a pack of Salems and a Big Mac than it is to eat an organic meal.

And they can’t do Anything to regulate it? Can’t? Or WONT.

We have all these regulations on what you can and cannot put in your body, a whole fucking list of drugs you can’t do to yourself.

But sugar? And fat fried in fat?

Things that we can PROVE are costing the American people BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of dollars, things that are weakening our national defense, and our school children?

Nothin.

Nope. Sorry.

It’s hands off. Free trade such n such.

And THIS is why I fucking HATE Nancy Regan. You know if that cunt had spent half the time on nutrition as she did on saying no to drugs, we wouldn’t have a 75% obese population.

Can’t smoke a blunt. But you sure as hell can take up 5 seats on an airplane with your ass rotten cause your arms aren’t long enough and make me pay for my purse because you’re too fat to fly.

Point is folks, us po’ folk don’t matter. Fuck the american citizens. As long as we have men and women who die for us every day serving the ideals of an oil and power hungry ruling class, and we have them at a discount rate ( ie we’re not spending too much on the fatties) then FUCK YOU.

That’s right. Your CHILDREN DONT MATTER. YOU DONT MATTER. Uncle Sam’s property comes far ahead of any Tom Dick or Harry.

Band-aids people. Bandaids. That’s all this is. What happens when the number continues to rise? Then what? What’s the number where congress says, OK. This is a problem. We can’t do this anymore? When Snookie runs out of Xantrex? When Bobby Broiwn smokes the last crack rock this side of the Mississippi? (RIP Tina) When someone out there figures out a way to make even MORE money than having a monopoly on pharmaceuticals and food?

Yeah, probably that last one. In a morbidly obese, disease ridden, literally clogged population, I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

Invest in band aids and draino. It’s gonna take that just to get the cholesterol off the floor when the shit hits the fan.

Profanity- F*ck Y*u

Todays topic, profanity.

Why you say? Well my dear reader, I want to wax on profanity because it pisses me off how offended people get by it and how they make such rash judgements based on the use of it.

I’ll spare you the history lesson and just talk about my experienece.

I love the internet and I love this blog because you CHOOSE to come here and you CHOOSE to read what I have to say.

Let me tell you something.

I use profanity because otherwise no one bothers to perk an ear to what I have to say. The vast majority of you are fucking selfish fucks who only enjoy hearing yourselves talk.

By using a NoNo word I make you pay attention.

I’m sorry that it has come to that but it’s the god damn truth.

If I were to spout my rantings without a single profanity the majority of you wouldn ‘t even bother to read. Lets be honest, a key point to my audience is that you are waiting to see what profane verbal conglomeration I will conjure next.

( for those of you who believe that profanity is the verbage of the poor and illiterate I ask you to reread that last sentance. Then– go fuck yourself.)

I have some decent shit to say. Something that could change your mind, change your life, and change your existance. If none of those things, a different perspective. Even if you don’t agree at all, your brain will grow in some way.

It doesn’t matter if you buy everything I say, it matters that you listen to me. And you don’t.

The vast majority of you fucking fucks are so full of yourselves you inturrupt me mid sentance to talk about some shit that isn’t pertinent to the conversation but puts you in the spotlight.

And I’m sick of that. I’m sick and fucking tired of being inturrupted.

I make it a point not to inturrupt people. No matter how stupid and full of shit they are. And you don’t seem to care.

Oh shit Saywards on her fucking whatever kick. Time to interveine.

Read my fucking blogs. Am I wrong?

Am I touting aliens from outerfuckingspace?

No. I’m not. I say REAL things that are unpopular but true.

Do you care to listen? No.

So your life continues to SUCK and I have to listen to it.

Stupidity at this point is voluntary. Seriously.

You have the internet, the almighty god of intellect, at your fingertips. And instead of asking a question and trying to figure out the answer you blindly stare into the tv and hope that some suave newsanchor will tell you the truth. He’s your friend.

NO HES FUCKING NOT.

The internet is your friend, and free knowledge is your friend and if you choose to shun them I shouldn’t have to deal with your voluntary lack of information and subscription to disinformation and ruthless moronics. But I do.

Stupid is as stupid does.

When was the last time you read a book? When was the last time you asked a question beyong Am I Pregnant or How to Make Cookies to Google?

Can’t remember? Don’t care to?

This is why I fucking hate people because the answers are there and you’re just not willing to look for them. OMG I MIGHT HAVE TO READ SOMETHING MORE THAN A PAGE?

WHAT IS THIS 6 LETTER WORD?

I MIGHT GET CONFUSED.

Seriously people?

This is exactly why I use profanity. To keep your fucking attention so that you have a CHANCE at reading what I’m trying to say.

Otherwise you turn into piles of gelationus mush and run to fox 55.

Think. IF you’re intelligent enough to show me the respect of listening and trying to have an actual conversation, you won’t be bombarded by profanity.

Otherwise, get used to it.

I got Raped by Uncle Sam

I’m feeling supremely angry today.

So lets talk about the government.

 

In specific, lets talk about the “Bailout”.

Old topic, I know. But with the coming of tax time, and Uncle Sams greedy little fingers letting us lick them for a couple hundred bucks back of our own money, it’s relevant.

A week ago I was having a heated debate with my boyfriend, about corporate bankers and the Federal Reserve. When he quoted a number for the amount of the bailout, I didn’t believe him. So I decided to do some fact checking, and then some number crunching. Here’s what I got:

As of September of 2010 there were

308745538 documented American citizens. This figure does not include illegal immigrants or people on visas.

According to Uncle Sam, the average check of the “economic stimulus package” was an estimated $300, with some recieving more money and some recieving none at all.

On the flipside, the amount of the ‘Bailout” for corporations and banks that were failing was in total 12.8 Trillion dollars. That’s 128 with 11 zeros behind it.

$12,800,000,000,000 spent on corporations.

IF every man woman and child received the $300 tax check, then

the American people recieved $92,623,661,400. I know that this figure is not completely accurate, but is actually an overestimate of the amount of money that the american people received. For sake of ease, its better for us to over guess than understate.

The numbers as they are, lets do a little simple math and see what we come up with.

If the government had spent the money on the American people instead of corporations who make invisiable zeros and guesstimate at their figures, despite the fact that they’re rich enough to buy calcuators and hire people to do math, each and every man woman and child in the United States would have received:

$41,485.09.

Yep. 41 thousand dollars. Just what would you do with $41,000?

The same thing you did with the $300.

Pay bills (to the corporations), buy cars ( from corporations), pay off your mortgage ( from corporations), pay for college ( so you can get a job at a corporation), buy an electronic device ( from a corporation), buy clothes and food and gas and all the little things we think we need to survive ( from corporations).

See what I’m saying? The corporations all FUCKED UP. It was their own fault that they were tanking. Yet they got paid.

So things being what they are, and past being past, I have one more little figure for you.

The Bailout was wholly funded by the American People. Every red cent was paid for by the American population in order to correct a fuckup. Not A fuckup, A vast series of fuckups by corporations trying to get ahead.

Guess what? Given the figures above, the AMERICAN PEOPLE. Not just ONE person, but ALL OF US in total received just .7% of what the corporations did.

.7%

Despite the fact that all the money given to the citizens of America was spent in some way, on corporations, they received 99.3% more than we did to be able to erase some zeros and continue to fuck hard working Americans out of their houses and jobs.

I don’t know where you’re from, but in my country, I call that FINANCIAL RAPE. As far as I know rape is illegal.

Who went to fucking jail for this? Who in plush offices sits in a jail cell? Who drives fancy cars and spends hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on cocaine, is in jail for raping each and every one of us?

No one.

 

 

Dad

My dad was an important and totally unimportant part of my life…

You see he was gone all the time. A long haul truck driver. And I hated him for it. He was gone for 80% of my life. Band concerts and track meets, choir performances and soccer games his place was vacant. He hated them. Never wanted to go.

I always blamed him for that. What I didn’t realize was that:
1: He was afraid of crowds.
2: He always asked mom about how such and such went.

Growing up, I always thought he didn’t care. He was too busy. Too busy gardening and drinking beer. He hated me. He hated what I was or did.

Fact is he loved me to death.

And it was only when death came that I realized it.

His impending death wasn’t real to either of us until I won my first chess game with him.

My dad taught me to play chess. Now if you ask anyone I’ve ever played, I am a formidible, if not unbeatable, opponent.

My dad taught me that. And through the years we played numerous games. Always. ALWAYS he beat me.

Sitting in the oaks, in a room far too small, my dad in a paper thin gown, gatorade flowing from his mouth down his throat and into a bag we both could see, we played our last game.

Together we drank a gatorade. Together we watched his portion flow down a tube and into a bag. Together we watched him starve.
He was too doped up on morphine to remember whose turn it was. Bleary eyed he stared at me and then to the weather channel. He couldn’t remember what he was saying. Far too invested in the weather channel. Forgetting his strategy. MAking stupid moves.

I did not bitch. I did not complain. I knew it was the last.

And I won.

And when I left that room, with the sunken skeleton I had once known to be my father peacefully resting in a bed far too big, I knew that was the end. I cried all the way back to the bar where I drown myself in alcohol.

That was our final game.

He had reliquished the title and given it to me, so I could pass it on.

I hate him for that. I hate him for not holding on. I hate him for leaving me to take care of mom and for leaving mom to take care of me.

But I don’t blame him.
I suppose if cancer had found its way into my gut, and I had to watch everything I swallowed fall into a repurposed bag, and watch my family become sick and worried and scarred, I too wouldn’t want to survive.

I would want to be done as soon as I could. No pomp and circumstance. Just let me die and hopefully, somehow, you’ll figure out a way to survive.

Survival is about living. What is living if you can’t eat or sleep or otherwise exist without the aid of tubes and broth and morphine?

I find him creeping into my thoughts, especially at night. When all is calm and I can hear the sounds of breath that are not my own, I hear him. I see him. I can feel his ribs cradling my fingers in the starvation that is holding on until you know your arrangements are final.

He’s left and we are sick.

Sick of living without him.

The Disappearing Housewife

Fact: The Good Wifes Guide was published May 13, 1995, in a magazine entitled Housekeeping Monthly. It was an article that explained how to keep your husband happy and what exactly constituted a good wife.

Fact: According to the Wikipedia article of the same name, it’s rumored to be a hoax and has been studied by urban legends site snopes.com

Fact: Cant anyone just look it up?

I’ve been thinking lately about the problems that face our society. Things like obesity, an ever climbing divorce rate and increased numbers of children failing to garner proper education from school systems, just to name a few. It seems to me that in the last 40 years there have been a lot of changes and a lot of results due to those changes. But why does it seem like everything went downhill oh so fast? It’s relatively easy to point the finger at Clinton or Bush or Obama, to thumb nose organized crime, fast food and Maury or blame it on the evolution of man. I however have a new theory. It’s what I like to call…

 

The Disappearing Housewife.

 

My basic premise is this. Back in the day when gender roles were clearly assigned, workloads were divided evenly and therefore the attention necessary to perform duties was able to be given. Now that more and more people are out in the world working, less and less time is being spent in the home. Due to this fact, the home life suffers.

See we currently live in a backwards society and we can thank capitalism and globalization for that. What I mean is that we live to work instead of work to live. Before we get to the housewife, let me wax on this concept.

 This is how the world and you, a little cog in its machine, work…

You are human. You desire a house, a car, a family, food, clothing, and fun things like big TVs and hookers.  American dream, right? Okay, maybe not hookers with the whole family thing… but you get the idea. You want enough money to buy everything and then still have enough to blow. So what do you do? You get a job.

You go out into the world of work and you find yourself a job doing something that most likely you hate but it allows you to move out of your parent’s house or the back of that Oldsmobile you’ve been sleeping in for the last year. You get an apartment.

So you’ve got this living abode and you realize that your old boat of a car isn’t a very nice coffee table. And it’s not doing so well in its old age. So you buy furnishings to put in your apartment, and realize you have 200 a month left over after food and bills. You get yourself a schnazzy new or pre-owned car.

Now, whoa buddy, apartment, food, clothing, bills, car, and hookers. Great!

Oh shit. You forgot the insurance. And how much gasoline is going to cost you. Damn. Oh well, you can do without the hookers. Then you forget a payment on that awesome rent-a-center couch and Xbox and your interest rates skyrocket. You have no choice but to take on some more hours at work and try to get your bills back under control.

 It goes on this way until one night you come home to your living room filled with trash and crunchy porno mags strewn about the floor, a dog with fleas and a spot on the floor that seems to be alive. The air smells like feces and testicles have been holding hands and jumping in puddles of urine. You sit down on your couch and hear the crunch of beer cans. Just then, it hits you.

This shit is gross.

And you begin to ponder why…

Your apartment isn’t disgusting because you’re a disgusting person. A contraire. Your apartment is disgusting because you’ve been working insane hours and by the time you get home all you want to do is sit down, drink beer, jerk off and play videogames. Really, who can blame you? Your job sucks. Your boss is a horrible manager. The people you work with you wouldn’t shake hands with on the street. Uncle Sam can’t keep his fingers out of your paychecks. You hurt. Your brain is mush. There is no such thing as spirit at this point. You have everything you want, but you’re not able to enjoy it.

You are living to work. Not working to live.

This brings me to the housewife.

From the mid 60’s backwards there was this thing called a housewife. She stayed at home and did all those home things for you. She made it a point to look nice, dress well, make hot delicious meals, clean up, and give a damn about you. Why did we get rid of her?

I mean seriously. People have always been interested in gadgets and artificial intelligence to do our household chores but as my boyfriend says “Who wants a housecleaning robot? Fuck that. I want my robot to go to work for me.”

It’s so simple isn’t it? The truth is that 99% of people don’t WANT to be at work. They work to take get and maintain all this stuff in their lives that will make them happy and then never really get to fully enjoy them. We work so much that by the time we get home, we usually don’t have anything left to really give to ourselves. Healthy meals are replaced by pizza pockets and microwave popcorn, fresh sheets are left to screw washing them let’s just buy new, and a loving STD free woman is replaced by obliterated mascara smears that you drag in once in a blue moon.

The housewife provided so much to the world and was ever smiling and ever modest. As anyone who lives on their own can tell you, washing laundry, doing dishes, cleaning carpets, picking up trash, waxing floors and furniture, making beds, wiping mirrors, baking, frying, broiling, freezing, canning, heating, chilling, whipping and frosting are not the easiest jobs, and do not come without some knowledge. Just hand a man a newspaper and a bottle of vinegar. And really, who wants to do that after an 8 10 12 14 hour day?

No one. So we don’t. We don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. The comfort level drops.

Add children into the mix. Even if they have both parents. Which a lot of them do not.

We wonder why kids have bad mouths and are fat and lazy? What do they see at home? They see a parent or parents that come home, tired. Grumpy from another day in Shitsville, USA. Worried and stressed because they’re not getting the time they need for themselves, and can’t find enough time to devote to their children. They throw fried fish or pizza or tater tots in front of the kids because the kids are addicted to sugar and carbs and parents do not feel like fighting over green beans. Television and videogames are an excellent way to make sure you know where your kids are and what they’re doing. Set them in front of the TV, hand them a controller and let them hack and slash their way out of the hands of that creepy guy across the street.

It’s pretty easy and really it’s very understandable.

However, being easy and understandable doesn’t make it right.

We need housewives, and househusbands.

I’m not talking about that lazy ho who lays on your couch all day watching Jerry Springer and then starts bitching as soon as you get in the door. The one who never changes her clothes and screams at her kids so all the people in the building can hear.

I’m talking about a woman, diligent and organized. One of quiet cunning and care. A woman who can smile and just by that smile she can light up a room or make you crawl face first into a hole and die. She doesn’t need profanity or rumor and is, in fact, above it. A woman in charge and responsible. Someone you can count on. Someone you WANT on your side. A bearer, not a burden.

It is my opinion that those who work out in the world deserve a kind smiling face when they walk in the door. They deserve to get out of the monkey suit and slip into some comfort. To be valued and cherished, to be thought of and listened to. They deserve that clean home and delicious meal. Why can’t they have that?

This is what I’m talking about clearly defined roles. There was a time when man was a provider/ protector, and woman was a provider/caretaker. Men went out into the workforce and provided money for the home. They protected their women from harm of all kinds. They were strong and thoughtful, respectful. True GENTLEmen.

Women provided comfort and care. They cared for the children, and did the shopping. They made sure there were no holes in your underwear and that you always had a mate to your socks. They made sure the house was clean and the fire stoked. They provided a listening ear and someone to talk to away from the world of work. Someone who valued YOU. Not your team. YOU. Housewives provided the little things which seem little but are actually vital to the sanity and happiness of the human collective.

I know this probably has some feminists in a panty-runch but I’m pro-women’s rights. Damn right I want the right to vote and to work. I want the right to wear pants and smoke cigarettes on the street and I want the right to decide what I can do with my body.

However I don’t think it’s sexist to desire a return of the housewife. If anything I think it’s more feminist than a bulldyke parading braless with liberal lipstick lesbians. I think Gloria Steinem should perk an ear to this. Why?

Because housewives were given the ultimate ability to express their own feminity. That’s right. I said it. I guess this isn’t true if your definition of feminimity is wearing daisy dukes with the optional camel toe, or fucking 5 guys on primetime in night vision. It is true however if feminity can be defined by the ability to care for others, including your children. To provide nutrition and care, Band-Aids and cupcakes to those in need. To wear lipstick and heels and not be a trashy slut. . To devote yourself to the pursuits of happiness for your husband and yourself.

Maybe I’m old school, but I can’t find a more sensible relationship and I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to devote yourself to your partner. To give them everything you’ve got. To care for them like they’re caring for you. I think divorce rates would plummet due to a rise of the housewife.

I mean that. I honestly think that if we could get away from angry ass husbands and wives coming home to fight each other, or never seeing each other, or being too stressed or tired to fuck; divorce rates would drop. A human being can only do so much. In today’s society, we can’t do it alone. That’s why we need the housewife.

Our families are starved for love and attention. Our socks need mending. Our houses need care. Our gardens need tending and so do our husbands so that when they are home they can enjoy the lives they’re working so hard to provide us with.

Is it really too much to ask?

What do you think?

 

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PIZZA IS NOT A VEGETABLE

Fact: My dog helped me write this and I found him to be quite unhelpful.

PIZZA IS NOT A VEGETABLE.

Yesterday Mom came home from town with a pizza from Pizza King. It was cold and had been for some time. She said the woman on the phone said 25 to 30 minutes. She was there in 15. It is my own personal assumption that since the breadsticks and cheese were hot and the pizza was not that

1: it takes about 8 to 10 minutes to make breadsticks and,

2: Our overpriced and under-toppingd pizza had sat on a counter waiting for an order long before we called.

After nuking the shitty ‘za and covering it in Louisiana Hot I rather enjoyed it. That got me thinking.

“ If I could get a decent one, I could eat pizza everyday.”

A pizza diet.

According to Congress, this would be a healthy diet. Here, let me throw an article your way, courtesy of Reuters. I realize this happened a couple of months ago, but I just found out about it. Shut the hell up and read.

 http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/18/us-usa-lunch-idUSTRE7AH00020111118

Now wait wait wait. While I do believe that a lot of my readers are very intelligent, hard working people, I also believe that at least half of you didn’t click that article. That being said, Shame on you. Lazyass.

Alas, I’ll summarize the hefty points so you can avoid 3-5 minutes of boring so here’s the gist…

The USDA is supposedly trying to clean up school lunches. Less fat and salt, more fruits and vegetables.

They say that despite the language of the bill, it’ll be healthier.

Riiiiight. “Oh well I know it says that we’re gonna serve more junk foods, but that’s just political lingo. You wouldn’t understand. Go back to bed slavish consumer, let Uncle Sam deal with the big people stuff.”

They solidly defend peas and corn and potatoes as being healthy, good for you food.

They also insist that the 2tbs of  tomato paste on those little square pizzas is a vegetable and therefore you only have to serve one other serving of a vegetable during that meal. They shot down a portion of the bill that would require a half a cup of tomato sauce to be considered a vegetable. TOO MUCH TO PUT ON A 6X4” PIZZA.  Guess what, a potato is also considered a vegetable, therefore a diet of pizza and fries is a very healthy meal according to the USDA.

Sure, I know there are healthy pizzas out there. One of my favorites is Chicken Spinach on a thin whole wheat crust with feta and lots and lots of fresh vegetables. However, I’m not talking about a healthy pizza. I’m talking about what they’re serving to your kids.

Yep. Delicious huh. Ingredients are a flour based crust, tomato paste, pepperoni cubes, mozzarella cheese, imitation mozzarella cheese and some pizza spice. Looks pretty healthy, doesn’t it?

Add in some of these.

 And like a cup of chocolate milk, some mixed fruit in heavy syrup and maybe a piece of dessert and we are well on our way to a healthy, well balanced lifestyle.

CAN ANYONE ELSE HEAR OUR CHILDRENS ARTERIES CLOGGING BECAUSE I CAN.

Look. The facts are this. 1 out of 3 children are overweight or obese. The numbers are climbing. Our First Lady took on childhood obesity as her cause. Bitch didn’t even know what a BMI was almost a year after taking up the cause.

Yeah Obamalady. Really working hard aren’t you? Fuck that. Quit pumping iron and shrinking your balls with steroids, and get your ass on the fucking job. We already know you’re a man. Retired generals are working harder than you are on this because they’re pissed off so many of America’s finest fail their PT test because they’re too god damn fat.

Number 1 reason for being denied service in the military: Obesity.
Why? Not because they couldn’t lose weight during boot camp and become healthier, but because the risk of having a heart attack is so high that the death benefit payments would take up a quarter the defense budget.

I think the answer here is pretty damn simple. Quit putting the presidents and executives of food companies on the Agriculture board. Put someone in charge that realizes that no matter how much tomato sauce or paste there is on a greasy ass little cardboard pizza does not and never will qualify it as a  vegetable. A 3^rd grader could do that job. I mean it. A 3^rd grader could do better than EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN CONGRESS.

Why?

Because every 3^rd grader knows

A tomato is a FRUIT.

 

Pseudo-Straight Men

Fact:  Quikrete Company 12in Concrete Quik-tube form $5.00

Fact: Quikrete 10lb. Water Stop Cement $8.00

Fact: This Blog? Priceless.

I have to say that I’m pretty pissed off about pseudo-straight men.

Please let me make some direct specifications before I get into the bulk of this matter.

1. This is not about my CURRENT relationship or to any CURRENT relationship I know of.
   1. My boyfriend is sexy and straight. I hope yours is too. Straight. Not sexy.
   2. I love and wholly support gays, bisexuals, transvestites and transgender.
      1. You go girlboy.
   3. I am all for freedom and exploration of the human sexuality as long as it is done in a safe and responsible manner, with true thought and consideration for all parties involved.
      1. Let your freak flag fly.

 

#THIS BLOG CONTAINS SEXUALLY GRAPHIC MATERIAL. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.#

I am writing this because after some research and knowing a few women personally who have gone through the same thing, I realized that mine is not an isolated case. It happens, and with continuing frequency.

With these truths outlined, let me just say that I personally think that all you secretly gay men out there, making love to women who adore you, SUCK.

I don’t just mean cock.

I mean that if you are secretly gay either  1. stay secretly gay and hope you don’t get an STD to give to your lovely lady or  2. own up and expect a relationship melt-down. There are few things I can think of in a civilized relationship that could completely wreck a person like telling your partner you’re gay.

You see boys, for a lot of you, the idea of your woman being a snatch licker is not only okay, but the AMERICAN CREAM. A lot of you are like “Oh fuck yeah. Two bitches and my cock? All the time? Awesome.” Eventually the smarter portion of you realize that while the sex would be awesome that she would be an extra mouth to bitch at you when you piss on the toilet seat or leave seminal jerk socks on the floor. That’s usually where you leave the idea. On the floor in a sock.  Not into your RL.

I digress.

The overwhelming majority of women however are not interested in 2 men. That is unless they’re both paying attention to her. Not gooch-rumping on the couch while she’s folding laundry. Let’s be honest here, gay sex, no matter how well planned, is NOT pretty. Man ass was never meant to be admired. That’s why it’s hairy.

“Oh God, Cover that shit up! GROSS!”

Women are interested in being the object of desire. Of being wanted, and feeling beautiful. Of feeling complete and wonderful and perfect. A compliment to their partner. The majority of women enjoy the idea of a strong man, confident, dominant. A protector. It’s in our genes. Trailings from caveman days. Also for the most part, while a lot of women do enjoy porn, we all share a common denominator. We care more for FEELING than for the visual. That being said, once again, the sight of two men doing each other is very rarely arousing. Women liked Brokeback Mountain because of the story of the men falling in love and fighting against all odds for that love. Not because they wanted to see Jake Gyllenhall balls to the walls.  

I think sex is sex and if you’re a man and you enjoy the penis, then go for it. If you’re a woman and you love the cleavered beaver, go for it.  I’m not hating, or judging or anything of the sort. I want you to be happy. See Condition 3.

The point of this diatribe is that when you enter into a heterosexual relationship, and stay in that relationship under false pretenses for any amount of time, only to drop the gay-bomb on your partner, you’re a fucking thoughtless asshole. Hence, you piss me off and end up as the topic of my rage blog.

Can anyone explain this to me? This happened to me in a relationship out in Washington. I was ENGAGED. Any of you that know me even scarcely probably know that I am and have been anti-marriage for a long time. Was with the guy for 3 years.

 On my 3 year anniversary I got asked to buy a strap on.  2 months later I’m finding out he’s emailing random gay dudes offering his ass at a park on the beach not 3 blocks away from our house. Not 3 blocks away from our bed. Joining outdoor gay sex sites, saying things like “I’m not really into sucking cock, but I guess it comes with the territory.”

SERIOUSLY?

Not only are you going behind my back to try and cheat on me, which is a relationship ender to begin with, but you’re offering yourself as a buttslut to a random stranger by the shore while I’m asleep. YOU wanted to get married and now I find out YOU’RE gay?

Anyone? Answers?

This, in my mind, is the ULTIMATE betrayal. I’ve spent years with you, told you my life, lived my life with you, poured out my soul physically and mentally, emotionally and spiritually was willing to BIND myself to you. Out of nowhere suddenly I’m not enough.

I am not enough even though I have been for the last 3 years. I’m SO fucking horrible that you’ve turned to ugly man ass. While I’m searching my soul and trying to justify being willing to basically sell myself to you for the rest of my life via a marriage license, you’re searching for strange cock you don’t know wheres been. Fantasizing while we’re making love that you’re being pile driven by a group of bukkake Mexicans with burros waiting in the wings.

Fucking Christ I hope you somehow read this and after you do your dick falls off and a bird eats it.

Oh, not you reader. My ex boyfriend looking for the seafood burrito.

On a lesser note, I’d like to talk for a minute about porn. I want to touch on this (topic, not myself) because I know that the World Wide Web has brought us an unending asundry of strange and new porn. I’m not anti-porn. My rule is: If you’re all of age, willing, and fully coherent. Go for it. Whatever it is. I DO NOT CARE.

I do find myself ENRAGED by tranny porn however. I don’t know if this is just a ‘oh your boyfriend turned gay’ thing or if there is another underlying cause, but the idea of a man dressed as a woman having sex with a man who could be mine just makes me want to punch a fucking midget with a chainsaw. It’s like, not only are you a man who is having sex with another man, but you’re dressed up as me while you’re doing it.

I have had multiple long term relationships, and in a majority of them, (the “beachbum” included), I have been told that tranny porn just is. They just like it. Can’t explain it. Just really fucking like it. So what is the fascination with this? What gives?

I have transgender and transvestite friends. Good friends. People I consider to be intelligent and really stand-up people. The thought of them having sex, while strange and a bit too close for comfort, does NOT anger me. It’s perfectly fine with me. It’s only when I see the porn. Or think about it.

I’m about to punch something as I type actually. It’s amazing how pissed off I am right now.

Fuck it. Let’s get real.

The point that I guess I’m trying to get to, albeit winding and rather bitchy, is that lying to your partner about something as fundamental as your actual sexuality is inconceivable, hateful, hurtful, and pretty much ruining a life you’ve created with the one you “love”. You are leaving them in a cloud of lies and feeling like they weren’t enough and probably never going to be enough for anyone who actually matters. By lying to someone about something with such gravity, you scar them. You cause them to constantly question their world and their worth. Perpetually worry that their next relationship is going to end with the same results. You’ve been so good at hiding it, and it came as such a surprise that your partner will forever carry that memory and the fear of living it again. Hindering their relationships and making an otherwise healthy, satisfying and fun activity a source of constant anger and fear.

If you are in this situation, I really have no sympathy. If you have enough common sense and care for the one you’re with you’ll be gracious enough to NOT FUCK MEN and either deal with it by suppressing your gay side (which I DO NOT condone), or by explaining to your partner that you are not interested in the relationship anymore.

Do NOT just expect to say “Honey I’m Gay” and think that she’ll let you bring a new meaning to “Boys night in.” If she doesn’t give you a Lorena Bobbitt, she’ll want to. If she stays with you she’ll resent you. Make your decision and stick with it. Realize you’re fucked, in more ways than one.

My formal opinion on dropping the gay-bomb on your partner and turning your whole relationship into a string of lies?

 I personally think you should get your ass filled with cement for it.